Setting Down the Pain

What a strong thing it is to sit with yourself, to say: I’ve been carrying pain and I want to put it down now.

- Deborah Landau

Have you ever sat with the grief of lost time?

Lately, I’ve been thinking about how I’ve been living my life. As Lana so poetically says:

“But one day I woke up like—
Maybe I’ll do it differently.”

And for me, that means honoring my authentic self and trying to live and love from that place.

More than that: I’m trying to love myself and embrace the fact that I matter too.

So do you, by the way.

But sometimes we search for love outside ourselves and, to get that love, we contort ourselves to fit into someone else’s box.

But the love we’ve been looking for is the kind we HAVE to give ourselves first.

What’s ironic is that these aren’t new thoughts. I’ve always tried to love myself, but often in a way that still puts everyone else first.

Still giving myself only the leftovers.

But it’s different this time. They aren’t just thoughts anymore. Suddenly I feel it in my bones.

I have to prioritize myself. My life depends on it.

I’m sitting with this epiphany now but I’m also looking back over my life at all the women I’ve been.

What would my life be like if just one of them had realized this sooner? If just one of them had said, “I can love you and me at the same time.”

How much time have I lost ignoring and neglecting myself? For a trauma survivor, it’s especially hard to realize I’ve been hurting myself as much as anyone else.

Old me would have tried to rush through those uncomfortable feelings. I would’ve given myself a pep talk: That’s in the past. Just focus on the future.

But new me? She knows this grief over lost time has something important to teach me. And if I rush through it, the lesson won’t sink deep into my bones.

I need it to transform me because my biggest fear is that I’ll wake up tomorrow and forget. That it won’t feel as urgent, as clear, as life-changing as it does right now.

So I’m here, writing it down like I do, so we all remember:

I matter.
You matter.
Our needs matter.

Writing Prompt:

Think of a past version of yourself who tried so hard to be everything for everyone. What would you say to her now, knowing what you know?